The long battles we have with ourselves generally serve to make us stronger. I’ve become more of the person I want to be in the last two years than I realise a lot of the time. Bad things happened: death, illness, breaking up with someone I loved, losing my job. Each of these events could have spelled out the end of everything for me. At times I was ready to give up. I almost had another breakdown because I couldn’t, or didn’t want to see what was happening and ignored the fact that people were offering to help.
Then I realised good things had crept in to my life: I came out. I had a pretty good short-term relationship with an interesting girl. I was employed in an interesting part-time job that allowed me to have creative input and freedom. I was now living with my sister, albeit on her sofa, but it was FUN and AMAZING. I realised what I wanted in my life and where I wanted it to go, FINALLY. I realised I was really fucking good at some things and had an amazing group of friends that thought the world of me, as I did them. And my parents had, and have, supported me completely throughout.
I finally got that I was happy and comfortable with myself when I went out the other night. I didn’t to go to this particular place for my own snobbish tastes in bars. But as soon as I walked in with my friend, I was hit on by 3 different women (one turned out to be an absolute PSYCHO but that’s another story). Never before has that happened in my life. And I can only put it down to the fact that I’ve gone down this complete shit of a road at times but it’s always been leading me to this junction. I don’t know where it’s going to lead to in the future. I know it’s going to have the shit bits and the good bits but I’ll get to where I’m meant to be going eventually.
Right now, that road is leading me to ‘Call the Midwife’, followed by ‘Ripper Street’ on BBC1. So I’m going to get off here. Just for a little while.