What? C’mon, as a lesbian writing this blog, this was bound to be a title for a blog post at some point. I’m actually quite surprised it took me so long to use it! This post in particular, I’ve decided, is going to be about how I find being a lesbian in 2013. But first a little backstory to how I got here…
I came out as gay in 2011. Quite late really, considering I realised I liked men and women when I was 15 (that was 2001, wow, I feel well old now). I had never had any problems with my sexuality per se, but I’d never actually come out to anyone but my friends. I’m pretty sure my parents had inklings though – there were a few girls who I had quite intense friendships with through college and university – but they were always going to be there for me no matter what. I’ve also been really lucky in my life that I’ve never experienced bullying amongst my peers in terms of my sexuality. This doesn’t quite translate to the rest of my life, including one incident of being told on a recent night out by another lesbian that I was ‘obviously not gay’ because I refused to kiss her (I wasn’t interested and had already had a cheeky snog with someone else), but I’m happy knowing that my circles of friends do not include people that are as narrow minded and judegmental of me as that woman was.
Since coming out, my lesbian life has been one big ol’ rollercoaster of fun and not so fun. It’s not so different to my straight life or my bisexual life to be perfectly honest. It’s just my life and my path that’s gotten me to where and who I am now. I do feel a certain amount of peace within myself since announcing my lesbianity (I dunno what word is appropriate – gayness, dykedom…anyone else got some good ones??), and a number of friends and family have commented on how comfortable I seem in my own skin now. It was one of the pieces of the puzzle that finally fit. One thing I did wonder about and often self-narrated on (y’know, thought about in my own head) was how “lesbian” I looked. And this was where another one of my personal bugbears came to play as I’ve struggled with self-confidence for YEARS. Yeah, on the outside I was all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I’M SO HAPPY AND CONFIDENT AND OKAY LOOKING” but really on the inside I was “No-one really wants to be my friend, I’m fat and ugly and I’m actually quite sad about it all”. And I still have fat days, I still have sad days and I still wonder why people allow me into their social groups (I’m pretty special sometimes, especially after a few Sambuca’s).
But back to the point, I was starting to struggle with how I got my lesbianity (that’s what I’m calling it now, TRADEMARKED) across to all the other ladies who liked ladies. I thought I had pretty brilliant gaydar but boy-oh-boy was I wrong! So many women, and now that creeping element of doubt came into play. My first instinct was to change the way I dressed – y’know, cut my hair short and be a bit butch in my dress sense. But that just wasn’t me. I LOVE fashion. If I could do one thing for the rest of my life (excluding midwifery) it would be to become a Personal Shopper so I could buy pretty clothes all day. I don’t care if it’s for other people. I just really love clothes shopping. And trying them on. And generally wearing them. It’s FUN I tell you. So yeah, changing my complete sense of outer-self wasn’t going to happen. I’m a femme, a lipstick. My wanting to wear dresses, make-up, have (currently) long blonde locks ain’t gonna change. Accepting me for who I am should make my future girlfriend the best women there is for me. And don’t get me wrong here, just because I’m femme/lipstick doesn’t mean I never wear trousers. I practically live in my jeans/chinos during the winter (they’re all skinny/tapered too). I enjoy being a woman and enjoy all the trappings that come with it, except period pains. NOBODY likes them. What did change was actually where I went – I went TO the lesbians. I went on Gaydar Girls and dated (and shagged) women. I went out to more of my style of gay and gay friendly nights (Unskinny Bop, Candy Bar, Heaven, Dalston Superstore). I hung out with a few more of my own lesbians – quick equation for you, LESBIAN + LESBIAN = either sexy time OR meeting other lesbians. An actual win/win as long as you’re a) both single or b) one of her friends is/you get along with them.
And you want to know something? Life works itself out. Women are attracted to you for you, including how you look and who you are. It’s just lucky that they happen to be the kind of FUCKING HOT women I’m attracted to as well. So how does being a lesbian in 2013 work for me? Very well right now thanks.
NB. I have a thing for Sandra Bullock. I also have a thing for Scarlett Johansson. And I too love Meryl Streep. They’re like my perfect pictures! And go very well for the title of this blog post.
NBB. And single lesbian ladies, in the word of Jodie Foster “…..I’m single!”
NBBB. There’s a massive thing for femme visibility at the moment – got take a look at What Wegan Did Next for a more in depth look at what that means if you’re interested.